The Dark Diva Diaries

My divorce is full-steam ahead, despite the news that, regardless of the divorce laws, I will not be able to get my divorce within the 90 day time frame. I should be dancing the divorce meringue on October 6th, but apparently there is a backlog in family court (bad news for “family values“  in Colorado), so I will get my divorce about a month from that date. The true irony is the fact that my divorce will happen within a few days of what would have been my 10th wedding anniversary.

In the meantime, a lot has happened. The ex went away to school and while he was gone, his Colorado girlfriend dumped him (within days of his arrival at his school) and within days he started seeing his South Carolina girlfriend. While he was away, he was making digs at me via facebook, all the while, he was posting diaries about his new relationship. Keep in mind, he’s still in the mindset that there was not supposed to be any “others” after our prior established poly relationships AND his not “allowing” me to see anyone new until we were no longer married.

I got so sick of seeing his hypocrisy on facebook that, upon the advice of a friend, I deleted it, whereupon a shitstorm of enormous proportions erupted. He asked me why and I told him that I couldn’t stand reading about his South Carolina girlfriend anymore, whereupon he told a bold-faced lie; denying the relationship even existed.

Fast-forward to his return home, where the shitstorm continued and where when things finally settled down he admitted that, indeed, he was involved, quite seriously, with South Carolina girl. So seriously, in fact, they were planning on moving in together and getting married when he moved to his next duty station.

WOW!

That revelation has helped us move forward and we are being much more pleasant to one another. I have some issues with his situation because he is already putting this woman into my children’s lives via webcam and promises of a big house and all these great and wonderful things that I can’t provide for them. This is compacted with the fact that one of his big fights when he got home was the fact that he insisted that I should have no problem quitting my business to be with him, if I wanted to “prove” what a good woman I am. What he meant to say (and he admitted later) that if I was a “good woman” like South Carolina girl, I’d quit my petty job, the way that she is quitting a $70,000 for him. Of course, I had to remind him that I do not love him enough to quit a job at Walmart, much less my own business venture, so the point is moot. But, he still throws it in my face via my children as they brag about all the great things Daddy and his new wife are going to get for them.

Seriously, I hope this works out, but he has never been big on foresight. I fear that all these dreams he’s building up in them will come crashing down the way the dreams he had for us blew up like nuclear waste, in our marriage. But, aside from my children, the rest is no longer my concern.

But, he’s not the only one who is in love. Of course, his jump into love is based on the fear of being alone and less on the idea of being loved.

Just before he left for school, I made a new friend (and yes, I have been keeping the spirit of the “rules” between the ex and I–and yes, we  were technically “just friends”). We met online and have had constant contact on a daily basis, ever since. We have only met, in person, twice, but we are very much smitten with one another (the “L” word has not yet begun to be bandied about). We are taking our relationship slowly and purposefully and, as I alluded, sex is being discussed, but our relationship has yet to be consummated. And, truthfully, I don’t feel the rush to do so, either.

My new relationship is probably the most secure and the most loved that I have ever felt in my entire adult life. In the past, I guess that I always felt the urge, not just from lust, but from the idea that if I did not nab this guy “right now”, I might lose my chance. But, MJ has made it clear from day one, that this relationship is at my pace and that he respects my needs, my wants, and my desires and he has made every attempt to cater to what I ask of him (which is simply to continue communicating to me, including his own needs, wants, and desires) and it is going great.

What’s also awesome is that he is polyamorous, as well. And, unlike the ex, he has no obtrusive rules about how we engage with others except that he will not engage with me and another man…which is just fine with me (that’s not my particular kink, anyway). The “rules” are simple: when we are together, it’s about us, not about the “others”. That’s always been my poly perspective. Open and honest about having an open relationship, without shoving each others love lives in each others faces.

Although we haven’t had sex does not mean we are not anxious to get our groove on. But, we both agreed early on that the seriousness of our relationship would not transcend a purely intellectual and/or emotional connection until after my divorce is final. So, in a way, it’s been kind of like planning for a honeymoom. We are taking all the steps to get to know each other, intellectually, emotionally, and on some level, physically (we tell each other what we like/expect from one another). He is able to translate my girly talk and I am able to translate what his manly distortions mean. At the end of the day we often have a meeting of the minds on our feelings and our expectations. It’s been such a thrill getting to know him that I am relieved that sex has not been a shadow on our emotional relationship. It’s like we are going through the honeymoon phase now and when we finally do sleep together it will be for all the right reasons.

Because our relationship still falls within the “rules” the ex established, I have not told him about MJ. Sure, part of it is because I do not want to experience a potential backlash but the main part of it is that it is no longer any of his business (particularly because he has already moved on with South Carolina girl). The other part is that I do not want him to ruin the good feelings and the obvious happiness that MJ brings me–I do not intend to fight with him about this or any other relationships, now or in the future.

First step to my happiness (that doesn’t include MJ) is moving into my own place, in less than two weeks. The next step is the ex moving to Kansas in less than a month. The next step is my divorce becoming final. The last step into the future is MJ and I taking our relationship to its logical next step.

I am so thrilled to finally be getting forward momentum in my life that embraces my fierce desire to be independent and allows for me to embrace someone who respects who I am and what I need without imposing hypocritical rules and restrictions to make himself feel better.