The Dark Diva Diaries

My husband keeps swearing (every two weeks, it seems) that he is broken up with his girlfriend (note: this is NOT what I want). He gets all depressed and stays in bed for two or three days after this announcement. And, then, he’s back to his old (annoying, but cheerful) self. I have since discovered, these last few weeks that his girlfriend dumps him and then waffles and they get back together. He has stopped telling me about their reconciliations, particularly because he knows that it bothers me that it’s OK for him to run back and forth with this woman but he has said “no way” to me reconciling with my boyfriend (despite our break-up being hubby’s fault).

But, two days ago, I came home from work and my eldest child asked me if I knew that she had been in our home. I did not.

When I came home from work, I was a little surprised that hubby was still up (it was close to two in the morning), but when I asked him why he was up so late, he merely said he had been watching movies.

My eldest tells me that she came over and had dinner with the family and then they watched movies all night (as he rubbed her feet and as they had visits alone in the basement), until right before I got home from work.

Hubby doesn’t realize that I know that when he takes the kids out that she is with them. The kids always tell me. And now he’s bringing her into our home without saying a word to me.

She doesn’t bother me. His secrecy does. He knows that I have no problem with his relationship. He’s the one with the issues with me having a secondary relationship.

Even though our marriage is pretty much dead, we have vowed to stay together so that the kids have a comfortable life and a stable home and we get along. But, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, he cannot stand me having a boyfriend. His passive-aggressive temper tantrums are what forced me to give up “Z”.

Another thing that bothers me is that he has fits and gives me the silent treatment for a day or two when I go out for the evening with friends. Yet, here he is sneaking his girlfriend in and out of our home and out and about with our children. He’s acting like an idiot.

A good friend of mine noted that it seems that hubby has “control issues”. He doesn’t like me having a boyfriend because he can’t control what I do with him when we are alone (rather he can’t see). He thinks that by keeping me from finding another boyfriend and by remaining “friends” with his girlfriend, he has the upper hand and he feels superior to me (“See, I’m still ‘friends’ with my “girlfriend” and your boyfriend is an asshole for not still being ‘friends’ with you). The difference is, his girlfriend is and has always been free to come and spend time in our home (friend or otherwise). But, hubby made it very clear that “Z” was no longer welcome in our home after that night we stayed out “too late” and he declared that he would no longer sleep with me because of my “insubordination” and then made it difficult for me to even talk to “Z” or go out with him whenever we made plans (even if he was busy with his girlfriend).

I’ve had enough and I asked hubby for a divorce. This polyamory thing is not working out and and an “open marriage” where only one of us is “allowed” to play around is pure bullshit. Add the insult of him (unnecessarily) sneaking his girlfriend around is just too much.

Unfortunately, we only have one vehicle and my job does not make me enough to buy my own car and I can’t possibly find more work without reliable transportation, since I need to transport my own gear. I do have a place to stay if I leave him, but my business would shrivel up if I just decided to walk away without some reliable way to get around and all my business funds are tied up in, well, business activities.

So, I’m stuck feeling sorry for myself. I haven’t been touched or held by anyone since Valentine’s Day, yet he has a very active sex life with “M”. They get together several times a week, sometimes with the children, sometimes without the children and they are free to be as affectionate as they desire.

I get hugs from friends when I go out and about but I miss, so much, that intimate affection that only two lovers can share. I don’t want to commit adultery, but hubby has already said that a new boyfriend is out of the question. It was one shot/one kill and since “I” screwed it up by “picking the wrong guy”, I get to suffer for it. He thinks he’s smarter because he picked a “good woman” (funny, since she apparently has issues every two weeks that forces so-called “break ups”…whatever).

I feel completely alone. If I didn’t have friends, I would feel much worse. But, I am so sick of feeling hungry for affection. I’ve lost that loving feeling with my husband. I lost it a while back. Every time I try to rekindle it, he reminds me why I lost it in the first place, so I’ve given up. His recent jerkiness is NOT helping, either.

So, I’m in a precarious position. I have tried on numerous recent ocassions to discuss this issue with him, but he refuses to hear me. He and I are no longer sleeping together (that was his doing). So, I either learn to live in a home without love and affection or sex…indefinitely. Or, I find someone to fulfill my needs…And not like I haven’t been looking, but as a married woman, I find it impossible to find anyone who wants to be with me as more than a part-time lover/booty call. Finding a fuck buddy is not a problem, finding a reliable and loveable companion is difficult.

I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate being jealous of my husband and his relationship. I’m tired of feeling like I’m in a take it or leave it kind of rut. But, I will find my way out of this and this helpless feeling…hopefully sooner rather than later.