The Dark Diva Diaries

I hate that f’ing ring-tone.

Every time I hear it, I know that within an hour, he will be asking me if “I mind” if he goes out with her.  He might ask if “I mind” if he takes the kids to hang out with her.

Truthfully, I don’t mind at all if he does any of those things.  She’s a nice lady and he cares for her and enjoys her company and I look forward to the quiet time without him and I appreciate the time away from the kids, too.

I do mind that he asks me only AFTER he’s made plans.  So, if I say “yes, I do mind”, I’m the bad guy, despite his bad manners.  Therefore, I never say “no”.  My response is usually, “I don’t care”.

I do mind that he asks me as if I have a choice, in any manner.  Because I came home late from a date, one evening, he made it difficult for me to make plans with “Z”.  Whenever I told him about my plans, he would start a fight and tell me that since I was late, I no longer had the right to see “Z” at my leisure (even if he had plans with “her”).  This all got to be too much to deal with, so I ended up breaking up with “Z”, since we could no longer be part of a productive relationship.  I should have put my foot down and told him that if I couldn’t see “Z”, then he couldn’t see her, but that felt childish to me.  I tried to wait him out, in hopes that he would grow a brain and some compassion and allow “Z” and I to continue seeing each other.  But, it’s been two months and he won’t even discuss it.

I do mind because not only does he continue to see her, after having given me a passive-aggressive veto regarding “Z”, he continues to have a sex life with her.  I have no sex life.  At the same time that he determined that I was not worthy of the right to see my boyfriend, when I saw fit, he also determined that he would no longer have sex with me.  So, he gets to keep his girlfriend and continue sleeping with her.  I get to sit at home while he goes out with her doing gawd knows what 3-4 times a week (or more).  Sure, I go out with my friends, once a week, every couple of weeks  or so.  But, it may as well be a bridge club or an afternoon tea.  It’s not the same as being able to spend intimate, affectionate time with someone you care about who cares about you, who touches your heart and your body in such a way that you can’t get enough of them.  I get enough of my friends after spending two or three hours watching them get drunk and flirting with the nearest hunk of man, while I sit at the bar and watch; green with envy at the attention they are receiving.

No, this is not polyamory.  At least not when one party is “allowed” to do as they wish and the other party is force to wait for “permission” to participate on the same level playing field.

I would leave him, if I could.  But, I lived life as a single mother, for nine years before I met him and I have no intention of going back there.  So, I’m playing the martyr, but I’m keeping my mouth shut.  He knows that I’m unhappy, but he doesn’t care (he has said as much).  For now, we are glorified roommates.  We get along.

I’m just tired of hearing that f’ng ring-tone.