Polyamory: The First Step
My husband thought it would be a good idea or nice blogging experiment if I started blogging about our new polyamorous experiences.
We have practically discussed polyamory ever since we got married. But, it took us 10 years to agree on the rules of engagement.
We finally have gotten into the life and he is settling in with a new girlfriend and he has pretty much been encouraging me to take the plunge, as well. Not that I’m apprehensive, just that I’m anxious about having to do the whole dating game, again. Thankfully, I’m in a secure and loving relationship, so there is no rush if things don’t pan out right away.
Here is the ad I am working on:
Most wives get flowers for their birthday, my poly husband and I decided I would prefer a shiny new boyfriend, instead. And, don't think you will be participating in a typical relationship with a married woman. I don't intend to sneak around with you or lie to my husband. Discretion may be necessary, but secrecy is a no-no. My name is Desiree and I am a 37 yr old, beautiful, black woman (disease/drug free) in an interracial marriage who is looking for a long-term/committed partner to compliment my current relationship. I am not seeking another relationship from which my husband will be excluded, rather, I am in a marriage that may include you! I love my husband and children, dearly, but I have a lot of love and affection to share with the right man. My husband and I are polyamorous and we both understand that it is not our nature to confine ourselves to a single loving relationship. We also understand that we each have interests that can best be shared with someone other than each other. I love sharing and showing affection. Touching, kissing, holding hands can all be very sensual activities, even in the most innocent of settings. Don't you think? I really love it when a man can express his true emotions and attend to my needs, knowing that he will get the same in return. Tender moments can last longer than most intense intimate interactions. Don't you agree? I am seeking an open and honest relationship with a partner who is willing to share all aspects of my life (not looking for a part-time lover or FWB). You are sincere, outgoing, friendly, romantic/affectionate, patient and you can make me laugh. You're a great listener and are not afraid to speak your mind (and be tactful about it, when necessary). But, you never give me advice, unless I ask. You are an intellectual who can carry on an intelligent conversation, are open-minded and willing to try new things. I hope you enjoy football, singing karaoke and going out dancing. It is your desire to connect with me on a platonic level (a companion) before "benefits" are ever discussed. You are attracted to my vivacious and outgoing nature and my twisted sense of humor. I also want you to know that, besides football, dancing and karaoke, I also enjoy going to/watching movies, discussing/blogging about politics (I'm a registered Libertarian, btw). I'm willing to try anything, at least, once. I am a smoker, and I enjoy drinking occasionally (in social settings...a nice Shiraz is always a nice compliment to a wonderful evening, together). I look forward to you and I getting to know each other and I can't wait to introduce you to my husband. Nathan is a very generous man, he is even willing to share some of our intense intimate interactions with you. Since you are generous, as well, I'm sure that you would not deny me that quality time with the two favorite men in my life. If this sounds like an attractive and beneficial relationship to you then please contact me (serious inquiries, only, please). No out-of-towners, please.
Hubby says it’s missing something, but I can’t really figure out what that may be. It’s kind of hard to connect with a person who may or may not exist.
On the other hand, I don’t know why I’m so anxious. Nathan and I met online over 10 years ago and now we have two kids, together. So, it is possible to find a great guy on the internet.
I am curious to see how this all goes. I’ll be posting to this blog if for no other reason than to have a place to express myself or flesh out ideas.
openhonest said,
September 26, 2008 at 6:45 am
Hi Desiree! Good for you! I think your ad sounds great. The fact that you have slowly taken your time to figure out exactly which qualities would best suit you in a partener is evident. I get the feeling that these are the natural characteristics you wish to have in a partner, but you are not limiting their own personality and qualities in anyway. I think the ad is specific without being controlling. Kudos to you and good luck with finding your match! And happy blessings to your husband and his girlfriend.
Elisabeth.
freespiritdiva said,
September 26, 2008 at 9:36 am
I appreciate your comments, Elisabeth.
I am actually getting a lot of interesting feedback from the ad. Unfortunately, not all of it is positive. That is to say, several people are taking the “juicy” stuff and responding to that and essentially ignoring the meat of the ad. I had to rewrite it to try and entice more serious inquiries and be much more specific about what I am seeking. I’ll post that on the blog, shortly.
Even the best responses are of men who are already coupled, which is fine (it’s not an automatic deal-breaker), but it does make time management an even bigger issue since it is not just my time, but my husband, his girlfriend’s, my “boyfriend’s” and his significant other’s schedule, along with my own, that would need to be considered. There’s also the added mix of another (5th) person to consider for family gatherings (it’s my husband’s hope that we might practice a more inclusive form of polyamory, where all members feel more equal than just “secondary” partners, at least in matters of the heart). We both understand that this is easier said than done. But, I think it will be a lot easier if we do not also have to worry that an “outsider” (a secondary’s spouse or S.O.) might put a damper on things.
And, I won’t lie. My husband and his girlfriend are committed to each other and have a lot of leeway for intimacy and spontaneity. I have to admit, that’s what I want, too. I can’t have that if I settle for a man who is already currently involved in a relationship.
openhonest said,
September 26, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Thank you for replying. I feel I understand completely. My husband and I were involved in a relationship with another couple for over two years. We used to joke that 2+2=16 because the combining of just the four of us meant 16 separate relationships (including a relationship with self). It is very difficult to coordinate that many relationships so that everyone is equally and wholely involved. Over the two years we were together we really pushed ourselves to grow emotionally and I know that all the development left a lasting impression on our marriage. It sounds like you and your husband have a very strong foundation as well. Our ultimate goal was to have a combined family like the one you describe where everyone is eqaully committed and available to each other. I don’t believe you should settle for less that what you deserve, but I am equally pleased that you are not assuming a married partner may not be the one. It sounds like you have it together there, lady! A balanced point of view and a passion for kindness. I hope you find the right person to engage with.
In love, E.
Polyamory | said,
October 20, 2008 at 4:01 am
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